I try damnit.

Just as I’m feeling better I get lectured on not being up to my usual standards at work. Well excuse me if I’m trying to balance IOP 3 days a week, work 6 nights a week, and motherhood, while trying to balance out my mental health issues. If only my boss could see the me my customers see, maybe he would understand. It’s difficult trying to make someone understand mental illness when it doesn’t play a prevalent role in their culture. Oh and I have neck pain and swelling that I’m dealing with. Can’t be wonder woman all the time. Sorry needed to vent. I love my job and my boss shows more care and concern than my blood relatives, but sometimes I wish he could understand what it’s like battling all this at once.


I am…

Had to do this exercise in therapy today, and decided to share it here….

I am loving and caring

I wonder what it’s like not to suffer

I hear the babbling brook

I see the forest when I close my eyes

I want to feel loved

I am loving and caring


I pretend to be happy

I feel lost

I touch a pillow to my chest for comfort

I worry that I’m not good enough

I cry at the drop of a pin

I am loving and caring


I understand that what I feel is false

I say whatever it takes to comfort someone else in pain

I dream of a life without pain

I try to feel better

I hope to be worthy someday

I am loving and caring


“….but anymore pent up emotion, and I think I’m gonna explode…”

Forgot to publish this back in December

Well folks, it finally happened. I broke down completely and ended up being admitted to my local hospital’s pysch ward. Bipolar confirmed. There may be a possibility of a personality disorder as well , now I am doing what theyb call “Inetensive Outpatient Therapy” Basically, I go for group therapy 3 times a week, for 3 hours a day, particiapting in 3 differnt group activities with a short break inbetween. I am actually quite surprised at my ability to open up there and feel comfrtable. Plus, I think the new meds have been rather helpful. For the first time in a VERY lonbg time I feel metally stable. Let us hope things remain this way.

In other news, we lost my grandfather’s brother back on December 1st. A whole generation gone now. 😢

So far I’m doing ok, we shall see how long this lasts

“Backbeat, the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out….”

Hey folks remember Me? Yea the whiny pitiful bitch is back! Did you miss Me? Ha ha ha of course not, it must have been nice to have a reprieve from the complaints…. well its been well over a year now, and we’ve been pretty good with no more deaths at the moment….my step dad had another stroke, and now he had COPD… still have my moments of soul crushing depression,  peaks of craziness which is more dangerous because it makes me want to do something reckless like actually follow through with plans for suicide that depressed me has made…. I suppose if we can still find rational me in there somewhere I’ll be ok. There are a select few who are trying their damndest to keep me afloat, and honestly I don’t thing I really want to end it all, it’s just sometimes I just don’t think I can handle the pain of loneliness…. but I’m trying guys, I do want to hang in there,  if anything for the kids alone…. well, good night everyone….. 

Will no one help the Widow’s Son? 

I really hate being my own worst enemy. Being trapped in my own head is hell. There is nothing worse than feeling completely alone and isolated despite living in a house full of people. Of family nonetheless. When you’re so depressed that you have become emotionally detached from your very own children, and you fear that not even they are enough to save you from completely drowning in that sea of despair. I’m on the mend, not as bad as I was Monday, thank God I opened up to someone at the last minute….

The lyrics to Runaway Train sum it up perfectly:
“Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep
It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life’s mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin’ in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don’t believe it
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin’ at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train never comin’ back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin’ back
Runaway train tearin’ up the track
Runaway train burnin’ in my veins”

I’m “hanging in there” so to speak. But how long before enough is enough and I completely break? Let’s hope that day never comes people.

Gone but never forgotten… 

June 4 2015, a day I’ll never forget. I had just arrived at work for my 10am shift when I received a phone call from my sister on the work phone…. she never calls my work phone. Immediately I knew  something was wrong, but thought maybe Keith had another stroke or something. Nope. “Grandpa passed away” she said tearfully. “What, what do you mean he passed away??!!??” I remember leaving work, picking Victoria up from my dad, struggling to keep my composure as she asked me to sing her “you are my sunshine” and the worst part. The guilt. How many times I had been up in Seymour,  visiting grandma,  thinking oh I really should go see grandpa too. Eh, it’s getting late, another time. Well I never got that other time. I’m so sorry Grandpa, I miss you tons, and love you, always.