The debacle continues (updated)

Grandma is back at the hospital… Apparently when the visiting nurse came by grandma was discovered sitting in her own urine and feces … Grandma is denying this. There is so much confusion going on right now and no one will give me a straight answer. Mom says dad is saying she’s ok to go home. After yesterday’s debacle idk how he can even say that. I’m afraid the best course of action will be one she will absolutely hate…. A nursing home 😦 and tbh, I don’t think my dad and step mom are really the right people to handle the situation.

Update: grandma apparently is home now and was told by my dad and step mom to get used to continue living alone if you don’t wanna live in a nursing home…. She must be so frightened and heartbroken tonight, my heart aches for her. Now she is always complaining about being lonely yet every time I visit her at least one of her friends is visiting her in her apartment . plus she plays bingo 3 nights a week…. She’s not 100% alone where she is,but she’s afraid of dying alone 😦

so it begins….

Today Grandma was discharged from the hospital. unbeknownst to my father who is away on vacation or myself she was only to be discharged as long as arrangements for 24 hr care had been made. Given her limited income, that should have meant a short term rehab facility like the last time she was hospitalized. BUT since the hospital allowed her to make the decision despite the fact that her mental capabilities are no longer 100% there, she opted for in home care, THINKING that it was covered by her insurance, which it most definitely is not. realizing that the costs of this service is definitely NOT in her budget we had to send the aide home and now I am spending the night with her. This is not how I intended on spending my baby free and school free night. what should have been the simple task of drive grandma home from the hospital and help her get settled has turned into this fiasco of a misunderstanding. Her paranoia and anxiety does not help the situation. I also hate myself for feeling upset that I am stuck here tonight, and guilty that this has me upset. I hate feeling so conflicted, I just want to cry. I am such a selfish bitch, I really should gladly help her out after all that she has done for me. what the fuck is wrong with me???

The curse of being too caring

Mom Dieu, my poor grandmother is driving everyone nuts…. I feel so bad for her, but also sympathize with my dad and step mother. After watching my own mother be a caregiver for my step grandmother in her final years, I DO see how mentally, emotionally, and physically straining it can be. Especially when the mind starts to go. But then you also stop and think about what the other person is going through. The fear, the anxiety, the paranoia, the confusion, and all the physical discomforts of aging. They don’t see the stress they unintentionally cause. They view your frustration as a personal attack, and they don’t understand what they did wrong to deserve it. My grandmother is becoming quite paranoid, and  ornery. She is normally such a sweet person, but lately these past few years her mindset has changed greatly it is crushing to see her like this, crushing to know part of it is my fault, because from spring 2012- fall 2013 i lived alone and 5 minutes away and visited often. Now I live 20 mins away and work full time, I’m a single mother, and recently went back to school. Needless to say grandma time has greatly suffered. The one person she could count on is no longer there for her like I used to be. She says she understands, but does she really?

C’est la vie…

Now I know death/illness/pain is a part of every day life. We all have lost loved ones that we cared deeply about, seen them suffer, helpless to stop it it. I get that, however if I could just catch a break, that would be great. In October 2011, I watched Cancer absolutely destroy my uncle, and he was taken from us on November 3. it was one of the worst things I have ever witnessed. That same year my beautiful cousin’s 2 & 1/2 year old daughter began her battle with pediatric cancer. Stage IV neuroblastoma…. thankfully she is surviving and still kicking cancer’s butt…. in the summer of 2012 I lost my step grandmother, my grandfather’s wife. during the fall of 2012 I lost an elderly Uncle, I was making daily hospital visits, sometimes for hours because I couldn’t bear the thought of him dying all alone. in the spring of 2013 my step dad suffered a silent heart attack, leading to his first stroke at the age of 49 memorial day weekend. Misdiagnosis at the ER and several other mistakes led to his second stroke a few days later. prepping for heart surgery in September led to stroke # 3. he is alive yes, but permanently disabled and slowly getting worse. Between December of 2013 and today (July 26th 2015) I have lost my stepfather’s mother, a woman who was like my own Aunt, an Uncle to lung cancer, another uncle to a brain tumor, and less than 24 hours after his passing, we lost his daughter as well. I then lost my next door neighbor, someone that I’ve grown up with as like another grandma to me. Then this past June I lost my grandfather. Even though I’m the 2nd eldest granddaughter, I was always his “baby girl”. Two nights ago I found out that my grandmother, who WAS cancer free for almost 10 years now, has cancer again. It is in her spine, her hip, and her lungs. She’s too weak for chemo. I know she isn’t immortal. But I can’t bear the thought of her final days being full of pain and agony … I would never wish cancer on my worst enemy. I will be there for her, be strong make her smile etc. I’m a healer I know how to be there for someone and focus on the positive. I’m not looking for comfort but it will be very hard on me seeing such a saint suffer. No matter how much emotional support I show it will not ease the physical pain that cancer causes. I fucking hate cancer.

Proceed with caution…

My initial intentions in attempting to start a blog again was so that i have an outlet to vent to, without being judged, because I seriously doubt I will have any followers. perhaps one or two but gaining a following is not my intention at all. Most of my posts will be of me complaining about my dumbass coworker. She really takes the cake when it comes to stupidity. Other posts may consist of venting about my home life. once in a blue moon I’ll become really emotional and sappy. I need this outlet to let it all out, to try and carry less stress and control my emotions. Despite what this blog will show, I am not a negative nelly. Just need an outlet is all….