Waiting for the warmth of that tender storm….

Do you know what I miss? Romance. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy in my current relationship. Really, I am. However, just like me, my significant other has a difficult time outwardly showing happy emotions. In some aspects he is even worse than me, and although he does do things that shows that he does indeed care about me, I am not being swept off my feet romance wise. Our relationship never had that horny teenageresque can’t keep my hands off you honeymoon period. no sweet emotion filled texts or notes. Maybe I was simply spoiled in the past, but after a couple of years of severe emotional abuse, the occasional lovey dovey over the top emotional stuff would be nice once in a while. Even me, little miss can’t show emotion outside of my emotional breakdowns is at least capable of expressing feelings through written word. Saying I love you in person, even to the father of my child, that however is scary, or at least it is when your spouse is as outwardly emotionally closed off as much as you are. I thought I hated the sappy shit, but apparently not. At any rate apparently I require minuscule doses. I’m sorry guys, I’ve been a real bummer lately, and quite babely. Does this damn post even make sense??? I’m tired of feeling so alone and disconnected. Perhaps one day I’ll forge a real connection again. maybe. again sorry for the whiny posts lately. I should really get over myself and be happy with what I have. Good night guys.

Sweet Emotion….

Riddle me this…. Why do we apologize whenever we break down emotionally in front of someone else? Why is it so bad to show emotional weakness occasionally? I myself am guilty of this. I hate being emotional around others, but at the same time, why on earth do we feel the need to apologize for crying, especially when talking about a very emotional moment such as talking about how a loved one died…. Maybe I’m simply over tired, but it seems strange to me….

Just Enough to Bring You Down….

I love my mother, truly I do. However, every time I visit for an extended period of time, I end up feeling absolutely miserable and down right depressed. Yes I know, by your standards I fucked up my life. I was the honor student, the good girl, yet I got pregnant at 19, and gave that child up for adoption to my cousin under the premise that I was doing what was best for her. Then at 26 I became pregnant again, out of wedlock, working the same menial gas station/deli job that I have been working at since I was 19. And now here I am, 28 STILL at that job, mother again still out of wedlock, with yet a different father. Yes I am a college dropout, and although I did complete a certification program, I still feel like I am nothing more than a disappointment…. maybe one day I can make you proud again….

Emotional Roller-coaster

Self Diagnosis is dangerous, this I know. Procrastination has lead me to delay seeking professional treatment, But I do know this, Either I am bipolar like my father, or just prone to random bouts of depression. Factor in new mom hormones and now PMS and I am as my 2 year old would say “A hot mess” Lately I’ve  been a real bitch, and today I came to a realization. It may not the hormones exactly. I am beginning to wonder if I am using my hormonal state to justify being my bitchiness. Bitchy sarcastic responses come so easily to me, but more often than not I bite my tongue due to my hatred of starting an argument, or hurting someone’s feelings. Yet One week a month the filter disappears and “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”