One more for the road….

I think I have too much faith in humanity. My expectations of my fellow man is simply too high….

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Sweet Emotion….

Riddle me this…. Why do we apologize whenever we break down emotionally in front of someone else? Why is it so bad to show emotional weakness occasionally? I myself am guilty of this. I hate being emotional around others, but at the same time, why on earth do we feel the need to apologize for crying, especially when talking about a very emotional moment such as talking about how a loved one died…. Maybe I’m simply over tired, but it seems strange to me….

Just Enough to Bring You Down….

I love my mother, truly I do. However, every time I visit for an extended period of time, I end up feeling absolutely miserable and down right depressed. Yes I know, by your standards I fucked up my life. I was the honor student, the good girl, yet I got pregnant at 19, and gave that child up for adoption to my cousin under the premise that I was doing what was best for her. Then at 26 I became pregnant again, out of wedlock, working the same menial gas station/deli job that I have been working at since I was 19. And now here I am, 28 STILL at that job, mother again still out of wedlock, with yet a different father. Yes I am a college dropout, and although I did complete a certification program, I still feel like I am nothing more than a disappointment…. maybe one day I can make you proud again….

Emotional Roller-coaster

Self Diagnosis is dangerous, this I know. Procrastination has lead me to delay seeking professional treatment, But I do know this, Either I am bipolar like my father, or just prone to random bouts of depression. Factor in new mom hormones and now PMS and I am as my 2 year old would say “A hot mess” Lately I’ve  been a real bitch, and today I came to a realization. It may not the hormones exactly. I am beginning to wonder if I am using my hormonal state to justify being my bitchiness. Bitchy sarcastic responses come so easily to me, but more often than not I bite my tongue due to my hatred of starting an argument, or hurting someone’s feelings. Yet One week a month the filter disappears and “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

The Struggle

I never thought I would be one to struggle with weight loss. when i graduated high school I weighed a mere 100lbs. Then I got pregnant at 19 and gained 60lbs. After giving birth I went down to 145. (That child was adopted by my cousin but I’m not going into that here) From 2006-2008 I was loving the fact that I had curves. Technically I was still overweight for my height, but damn I loved the way I looked. Then in late 2008 slowly put on weight over the years, ballooning up to 180. A combination of eating heavier foods, and a lot more alcohol, stress, and the occasional bouts of loneliness and depression, as well as zero willpower and little exercise has lead to such weight gain. Oh and some may say the whole being in “love” and therefore more comfortable factor. At any rate in 2012 I found myself living completely alone. My cooking skills suck and my budget was very small. I dropped down to 153ish, And then got pregnant. I was once back up to 175 but was down to 160 after giving birth. But I had moved back home with mom, and was back to eating heavier foods again and more junk, and way less sleep and way more stress. i peaked again at 168. managed to get back down to 155 and then again got pregnant. so up to 175 i became, lost it all after giving birth, and was actively breast feeding (apparently that burns mucho calories) I have moved yet again, and meals are a little healthier here, BUT still easy access to junk food, and soda. Once back at work I switched to formula, mainly due to lack of working pump and the fact that little man is a VERY hungry boy. Within 2-3 weeks I was back to 168. I’m a VERY picky eater, and have almost no willpower. I became introduced to a brand of nutrition bars that I actually like, ad they work. I have already lost 3.5lbs and have managed to drink a lot more water, 0-1 cans of soda a day vs 2 or more , and actually have been successful in eating less take out and junk foods. Today I am out, and they are not available at local grocery stores. I am working 2-9:30 in an environment surrounded by junk food. Sundays are slow, which leads to boredom and that leads to snacking. so now i definitely need to exercise willpower and just say no…. Lord help me….