Narcissistic, Drama Queen…. 

Sometimes I feel like despite my attempts to be a decent human being, I’m actually not. Like not even remotely. I say and do things without thinking of the consequences, which results in hurting those I love. I don’t even know if I know what love is. Other than the love I have for my children, I’m beginning to think I only think I know what romantic love feels like. Even in my attempts to comfort people I tend to mention my own experiences. I’m trying to drag the focus on to me, just attempting to be relatable. Despite having the handful of people that I do have {or did seeing that my stupidity pushes more and more away (and who could blame them)} I am still desperate to be relatable. I want to meet someone who truly understands me. That gets all my quitks, understands my mental states, maybe I did have this and lost it because I didn’t realize it, or maybe I had something close enough and was just too selfish to settle. Then again some days I don’t even understand myself so how can I expect anyone else to? Sometimes I think the harder I try to be a good person, the more I fuck up. The more I reach out, the more hurt I cause. Do yourself a favor. Don’t befriend me, in the end I’ll only cause heartache 

Update on Grandma

So it has been almost a year since I wrote about my Grandmother and her health. She seems to be loosing her mind yet my step mom insists it’s just normal aging “Doc says all is well” I’m sorry but no. No longer recognizing your granddaughter isn’t just normal senility. I’ve seen first hand the trauma of Dementia and Alzheimer’s. Grandma most definitely has one of those.  Nor am I buying my Stepmother’s claims that the cancer is at bay, that the Tamoxifen is working miracles. Especially since at one point you claimed that the cancer had started to metastasize and was spreading to her hip and her back.  I wish they wouldn’t sugarcoat stuff for us anymore. My sister and I are grown adults, we can handle the truth. All I do know is that her quality of life is terrible. She now lives with my Dad, and when home all she does is watch TV, that’s it. As an attempt to keep her active she is enrolled in an adult daycare center. I am not sure if it helps or not. What I DO know is that my heart aches for Gran. With each visit I am thrown into the deepest, darkest depths of depression. Why do they sweetest of the elderly either die on the young side, or have the worst symptoms of aging possible? Grandma does not deserve to spend her final years on earth in such agony. I don’t think anything can be done to make her life better. My parents try, I don’t think the problem is lack of care on their part, I just don’t know how to make her mental state better, or if even that is a possibility. Just have to keep visiting I guess…..

🎵 Somebody Save Me 🎵

You know what a dream of mine has been ever since I was 12? Not even in a romantic sense , just in general…. I’ve always dreamed of meeting someone who sees through the facade and says no. You’re NOT ok. How do you REALLY feel? It’s OK you CAN open up to me….. Wonder what THAT says about my childhood….. 

Surprise.

Mom randomly sent me a Snapchat telling me that she loves me. Really needed that today, but tis sad that a gesture like that catches me off guard and I wonder the motive behind it…. I wonder what its like to live in a world where adults regularly express their emotions and feelings towards one another. I do believe that my children are the only ones I say ” I love you” too on a day to day basis….. I also realised that I care more about my boyfriend’s lack of outward affection more than I care to admit, or at least that is the case in my dreams. Don’t get me wrong at least with him I do feel loved and appreciated, but apparently I still miss little.romantic gestures. The older I get, the more sappy I become. Damn hormones. I miss my tougher less emotional self that I was as a teen and in my early twenties. Although I was always a sucker for Love. I really ought to get some sleep. Good night 

Always a fucking issue

So I’m planning my Son’s first birthday party.we chose to do it Sunday 8/21 so that my boyfriend’s visiting friend can attend. My sister’s response “did you make sure mom had the weekend off” um no I didn’t because even if she is, she can come after. My life doesn’t revolve around her anymore. Too many times did I have to coordinate events around her schedule. But seeing that no one from my family makes an effort to visit me I ALWAYS have to go to them, I’m done bending over backwards for them. The only reason they accept my boyfriend in my life is because of my son. Prior to that they wouldn’t give him the time of day ALL BECAUSE of the fact that he’s 14 years older than me. My mom in the past has accused me of always choosing my boyfriends families over my own. Well maybe that’s because they actually welcome and make me fee like family where as in my own family I’m nothing but a joke and an occasional money lender. …. This party is already causing me anxiety 

Once upon a time…..

  1. I used to be such a sweet girl, especially at work but nowadays, I seem to  greatly dislike people in general. I suppose I’m still a sweetheart to an extent, especially with friends, family, and people that I try to help. But the bubbly,overly happy deli girl is gone.  Once in a while she emerges but lately, more often than not, she is nowhere to be found….. I think working with the public for nearly 14 years has finally broken me. I’m just so sick of rudeness, attitudes, and all around lack of common courtesy. Combine that with the fact that as a nation we are more divided than ever, I simply cannot handle all the hatred out there. My heart aches for better times…..