I am…

Had to do this exercise in therapy today, and decided to share it here….

I am loving and caring

I wonder what it’s like not to suffer

I hear the babbling brook

I see the forest when I close my eyes

I want to feel loved

I am loving and caring


I pretend to be happy

I feel lost

I touch a pillow to my chest for comfort

I worry that I’m not good enough

I cry at the drop of a pin

I am loving and caring


I understand that what I feel is false

I say whatever it takes to comfort someone else in pain

I dream of a life without pain

I try to feel better

I hope to be worthy someday

I am loving and caring



“….but anymore pent up emotion, and I think I’m gonna explode…”

Forgot to publish this back in December

Well folks, it finally happened. I broke down completely and ended up being admitted to my local hospital’s pysch ward. Bipolar confirmed. There may be a possibility of a personality disorder as well , now I am doing what theyb call “Inetensive Outpatient Therapy” Basically, I go for group therapy 3 times a week, for 3 hours a day, particiapting in 3 differnt group activities with a short break inbetween. I am actually quite surprised at my ability to open up there and feel comfrtable. Plus, I think the new meds have been rather helpful. For the first time in a VERY lonbg time I feel metally stable. Let us hope things remain this way.

In other news, we lost my grandfather’s brother back on December 1st. A whole generation gone now. 😢

So far I’m doing ok, we shall see how long this lasts

Will no one help the Widow’s Son? 

I really hate being my own worst enemy. Being trapped in my own head is hell. There is nothing worse than feeling completely alone and isolated despite living in a house full of people. Of family nonetheless. When you’re so depressed that you have become emotionally detached from your very own children, and you fear that not even they are enough to save you from completely drowning in that sea of despair. I’m on the mend, not as bad as I was Monday, thank God I opened up to someone at the last minute….

The lyrics to Runaway Train sum it up perfectly:
“Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep
It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life’s mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin’ in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don’t believe it
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin’ at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train never comin’ back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin’ back
Runaway train tearin’ up the track
Runaway train burnin’ in my veins”

I’m “hanging in there” so to speak. But how long before enough is enough and I completely break? Let’s hope that day never comes people.

Stumbling downwards once again

​OK folks bear with me… *warning ⚠ I’m about to open up and reveal shit folks. Run away while you still can. * OK so death is nothing new… Dealt with it A LOT over the past few years. Most recently with my grandmother. It’s been over 4 months already and I STILL can’t move on… Wtf is wrong with me, I’m the family designated Eulogy writer for Christ’s sake… Dealing with death and helping others grieve is my thing. Why am I STILL hung up on this?? I miss the days where I could easily shut my emotions off. I don’t like to feel, especially nights like this. Fuck emotions, Fuck Grief, Fuck Guilt, Fuck cancer, Fuck COPD, and Fuck Death. Bottom line… I REALLY miss my grandmother, I feel a ton of guilt concerning her last few years of life , and I think I’m FINALLY dealing with the emotions I SHOULD have dealt with back when this all happened. Someone please heal the healer she can’t handle this. Emotions are too damn scary…

Breaking down is  easy…. 

I figured it out! That “weird” mood from before. Manic. It reminds me of my SCSU days when I swore I was bipolar. I miss that. Because guess what folks the depression is back. Yup. Hardcore. Like I’m sure the kids will be ok, they have pleanty of love surrounding them. Who knows maybe they won’t know it is suicide. Just drive really fast into a cliff on a deserted road. An “accident”. *sigh* I couldn’t actually do it. After chickening out of hanging myself back in ’08 I made a promise that I would never do so again. Now I have kids, they need me. In fact, even thinking about harming myself and leaving them motherless makes me despise myself even more. Which doesn’t help with the depression, but hey at least I can talk myself out of suicide. Well that and help from a couple of friends. Apparently at least a couple care. Maybe more. That manic week was fun though. Sort of. Being super “in the mood” with no relief in sight was NOT fun. But it was better than soul crushing depression …. until  next time…

Update on Grandma

So it has been almost a year since I wrote about my Grandmother and her health. She seems to be loosing her mind yet my step mom insists it’s just normal aging “Doc says all is well” I’m sorry but no. No longer recognizing your granddaughter isn’t just normal senility. I’ve seen first hand the trauma of Dementia and Alzheimer’s. Grandma most definitely has one of those.  Nor am I buying my Stepmother’s claims that the cancer is at bay, that the Tamoxifen is working miracles. Especially since at one point you claimed that the cancer had started to metastasize and was spreading to her hip and her back.  I wish they wouldn’t sugarcoat stuff for us anymore. My sister and I are grown adults, we can handle the truth. All I do know is that her quality of life is terrible. She now lives with my Dad, and when home all she does is watch TV, that’s it. As an attempt to keep her active she is enrolled in an adult daycare center. I am not sure if it helps or not. What I DO know is that my heart aches for Gran. With each visit I am thrown into the deepest, darkest depths of depression. Why do they sweetest of the elderly either die on the young side, or have the worst symptoms of aging possible? Grandma does not deserve to spend her final years on earth in such agony. I don’t think anything can be done to make her life better. My parents try, I don’t think the problem is lack of care on their part, I just don’t know how to make her mental state better, or if even that is a possibility. Just have to keep visiting I guess…..