My parents finally realized how harsh CPR can be on gran and have changed their stance to DNR…. Do Not Recissitate….  I knew it would come to this, but hearing it acknowledged was like a kmife through my heart.  I think I nearly collapsed when mom told me…. I know the reality but I’m still in denial myself.  


Another update on Grandma… 

So sometime last week Grandma took a pretty nasty fall.  Since then she’s afraid to walk and no longer is able to go bathroom for herself.  She’s been in the hospital since Wednesday with breathing issues,  a UTI,  and she’s very confused.  The confusion has been on-going.  I’ve been saying she has signs of dementia for years but apparently I don’t know what I’m talking about.  Only witnessed it first hand with my great grandmother and my step grandmother who had Alzheimer’s but what do I know.  Anyways the confusion has been pretty bad even before the fall.  On Friday she underwent a procedure to remove the fluid buildup fron around her lungs.  They ended up removing 340ccs and now we are waiting to see if it was caused by bacteria or her cancer.  (But according to my parents the cancer is at bay)  she is still in ICU still not breathing great,  has no idea what’s going on,  she has to be told to chew her food she’s that confused.  Even worse is the fact that if she codes my step mom and dad want to revive her.  I don’t think they know what that does to a person.  She is suffering and in hell.  Even if she recovers physically her mind is still steadily going down hill.  I don’t want to loose her but she is no longer living,  just merely existing.  I just want her suffering to end I can’t bear to see here like this 

Update on Grandma

So it has been almost a year since I wrote about my Grandmother and her health. She seems to be loosing her mind yet my step mom insists it’s just normal aging “Doc says all is well” I’m sorry but no. No longer recognizing your granddaughter isn’t just normal senility. I’ve seen first hand the trauma of Dementia and Alzheimer’s. Grandma most definitely has one of those.  Nor am I buying my Stepmother’s claims that the cancer is at bay, that the Tamoxifen is working miracles. Especially since at one point you claimed that the cancer had started to metastasize and was spreading to her hip and her back.  I wish they wouldn’t sugarcoat stuff for us anymore. My sister and I are grown adults, we can handle the truth. All I do know is that her quality of life is terrible. She now lives with my Dad, and when home all she does is watch TV, that’s it. As an attempt to keep her active she is enrolled in an adult daycare center. I am not sure if it helps or not. What I DO know is that my heart aches for Gran. With each visit I am thrown into the deepest, darkest depths of depression. Why do they sweetest of the elderly either die on the young side, or have the worst symptoms of aging possible? Grandma does not deserve to spend her final years on earth in such agony. I don’t think anything can be done to make her life better. My parents try, I don’t think the problem is lack of care on their part, I just don’t know how to make her mental state better, or if even that is a possibility. Just have to keep visiting I guess…..

so it begins….

Today Grandma was discharged from the hospital. unbeknownst to my father who is away on vacation or myself she was only to be discharged as long as arrangements for 24 hr care had been made. Given her limited income, that should have meant a short term rehab facility like the last time she was hospitalized. BUT since the hospital allowed her to make the decision despite the fact that her mental capabilities are no longer 100% there, she opted for in home care, THINKING that it was covered by her insurance, which it most definitely is not. realizing that the costs of this service is definitely NOT in her budget we had to send the aide home and now I am spending the night with her. This is not how I intended on spending my baby free and school free night. what should have been the simple task of drive grandma home from the hospital and help her get settled has turned into this fiasco of a misunderstanding. Her paranoia and anxiety does not help the situation. I also hate myself for feeling upset that I am stuck here tonight, and guilty that this has me upset. I hate feeling so conflicted, I just want to cry. I am such a selfish bitch, I really should gladly help her out after all that she has done for me. what the fuck is wrong with me???