I am…

Had to do this exercise in therapy today, and decided to share it here….

I am loving and caring

I wonder what it’s like not to suffer

I hear the babbling brook

I see the forest when I close my eyes

I want to feel loved

I am loving and caring

******

I pretend to be happy

I feel lost

I touch a pillow to my chest for comfort

I worry that I’m not good enough

I cry at the drop of a pin

I am loving and caring

******

I understand that what I feel is false

I say whatever it takes to comfort someone else in pain

I dream of a life without pain

I try to feel better

I hope to be worthy someday

I am loving and caring

******

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“….but anymore pent up emotion, and I think I’m gonna explode…”

Forgot to publish this back in December

Well folks, it finally happened. I broke down completely and ended up being admitted to my local hospital’s pysch ward. Bipolar confirmed. There may be a possibility of a personality disorder as well , now I am doing what theyb call “Inetensive Outpatient Therapy” Basically, I go for group therapy 3 times a week, for 3 hours a day, particiapting in 3 differnt group activities with a short break inbetween. I am actually quite surprised at my ability to open up there and feel comfrtable. Plus, I think the new meds have been rather helpful. For the first time in a VERY lonbg time I feel metally stable. Let us hope things remain this way.

In other news, we lost my grandfather’s brother back on December 1st. A whole generation gone now. 😢

So far I’m doing ok, we shall see how long this lasts

Will no one help the Widow’s Son? 

I really hate being my own worst enemy. Being trapped in my own head is hell. There is nothing worse than feeling completely alone and isolated despite living in a house full of people. Of family nonetheless. When you’re so depressed that you have become emotionally detached from your very own children, and you fear that not even they are enough to save you from completely drowning in that sea of despair. I’m on the mend, not as bad as I was Monday, thank God I opened up to someone at the last minute….

The lyrics to Runaway Train sum it up perfectly:
“Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep
It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life’s mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin’ in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don’t believe it
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin’ at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train never comin’ back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin’ back
Runaway train tearin’ up the track
Runaway train burnin’ in my veins”

I’m “hanging in there” so to speak. But how long before enough is enough and I completely break? Let’s hope that day never comes people.

Gone but never forgotten… 

June 4 2015, a day I’ll never forget. I had just arrived at work for my 10am shift when I received a phone call from my sister on the work phone…. she never calls my work phone. Immediately I knew  something was wrong, but thought maybe Keith had another stroke or something. Nope. “Grandpa passed away” she said tearfully. “What, what do you mean he passed away??!!??” I remember leaving work, picking Victoria up from my dad, struggling to keep my composure as she asked me to sing her “you are my sunshine” and the worst part. The guilt. How many times I had been up in Seymour,  visiting grandma,  thinking oh I really should go see grandpa too. Eh, it’s getting late, another time. Well I never got that other time. I’m so sorry Grandpa, I miss you tons, and love you, always.

Stumbling downwards once again

​OK folks bear with me… *warning ⚠ I’m about to open up and reveal shit folks. Run away while you still can. * OK so death is nothing new… Dealt with it A LOT over the past few years. Most recently with my grandmother. It’s been over 4 months already and I STILL can’t move on… Wtf is wrong with me, I’m the family designated Eulogy writer for Christ’s sake… Dealing with death and helping others grieve is my thing. Why am I STILL hung up on this?? I miss the days where I could easily shut my emotions off. I don’t like to feel, especially nights like this. Fuck emotions, Fuck Grief, Fuck Guilt, Fuck cancer, Fuck COPD, and Fuck Death. Bottom line… I REALLY miss my grandmother, I feel a ton of guilt concerning her last few years of life , and I think I’m FINALLY dealing with the emotions I SHOULD have dealt with back when this all happened. Someone please heal the healer she can’t handle this. Emotions are too damn scary…

I’m not okay (I promise) 

You know what would be brilliant? If perhaps someone especially someone from my family would inquire about the state of my mental well being. Yes the Angel of death is used to such loss, having witnessed many tradgedies over the years… But guess what. This is different. Yes I begged for death to claim her as his bride, it was much more perferable than the way she was suffering. However, letting go of her means that I lost the only blood relative that I had been capable of opening up to. When making copies of her obituary I wasn’t thinking of loosing her, only losing a paternal relative. So I was printing copies I thought, oh grandma needs a copie… Oh wait…. Nevermind. I also feel like I botched the euology big time. I had writers block for the longest time, and then quickly turned out a eulogy that definitely wasn’t my best work, but it should have been. I’m so glad she couldn’t hear it, for she would have been ever so disappointed that hers, the one that should have been the best was actually the worst. I can’t bring myself to cry. Can’t bring myself to say out loud the words Grandma has died. This whole month has been a blur. And nobody from my actual family, my own flesh and blood has asked me how I am doing. She and I were very close. Everyone knew it. Just because I’m not showing emotion doesn’t mean I don’t feel them. Because guess what, I’m not OK. I don’t even recognize my own reflection…. I’m not depressed, but I don’t feel like me. I don’t know who I am but it isn’t me.