June 4 2015, a day I’ll never forget. I had just arrived at work for my 10am shift when I received a phone call from my sister on the work phone…. she never calls my work phone. Immediately I knew something was wrong, but thought maybe Keith had another stroke or something. Nope. “Grandpa passed away” she said tearfully. “What, what do you mean he passed away??!!??” I remember leaving work, picking Victoria up from my dad, struggling to keep my composure as she asked me to sing her “you are my sunshine” and the worst part. The guilt. How many times I had been up in Seymour, visiting grandma, thinking oh I really should go see grandpa too. Eh, it’s getting late, another time. Well I never got that other time. I’m so sorry Grandpa, I miss you tons, and love you, always.
You know what would be brilliant? If perhaps someone especially someone from my family would inquire about the state of my mental well being. Yes the Angel of death is used to such loss, having witnessed many tradgedies over the years… But guess what. This is different. Yes I begged for death to claim her as his bride, it was much more perferable than the way she was suffering. However, letting go of her means that I lost the only blood relative that I had been capable of opening up to. When making copies of her obituary I wasn’t thinking of loosing her, only losing a paternal relative. So I was printing copies I thought, oh grandma needs a copie… Oh wait…. Nevermind. I also feel like I botched the euology big time. I had writers block for the longest time, and then quickly turned out a eulogy that definitely wasn’t my best work, but it should have been. I’m so glad she couldn’t hear it, for she would have been ever so disappointed that hers, the one that should have been the best was actually the worst. I can’t bring myself to cry. Can’t bring myself to say out loud the words Grandma has died. This whole month has been a blur. And nobody from my actual family, my own flesh and blood has asked me how I am doing. She and I were very close. Everyone knew it. Just because I’m not showing emotion doesn’t mean I don’t feel them. Because guess what, I’m not OK. I don’t even recognize my own reflection…. I’m not depressed, but I don’t feel like me. I don’t know who I am but it isn’t me.
Grandma died today. I have no words. Yes it was anticipated, yes she is at peace. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still numb.
My parents finally realized how harsh CPR can be on gran and have changed their stance to DNR…. Do Not Recissitate…. I knew it would come to this, but hearing it acknowledged was like a kmife through my heart. I think I nearly collapsed when mom told me…. I know the reality but I’m still in denial myself.
So sometime last week Grandma took a pretty nasty fall. Since then she’s afraid to walk and no longer is able to go bathroom for herself. She’s been in the hospital since Wednesday with breathing issues, a UTI, and she’s very confused. The confusion has been on-going. I’ve been saying she has signs of dementia for years but apparently I don’t know what I’m talking about. Only witnessed it first hand with my great grandmother and my step grandmother who had Alzheimer’s but what do I know. Anyways the confusion has been pretty bad even before the fall. On Friday she underwent a procedure to remove the fluid buildup fron around her lungs. They ended up removing 340ccs and now we are waiting to see if it was caused by bacteria or her cancer. (But according to my parents the cancer is at bay) she is still in ICU still not breathing great, has no idea what’s going on, she has to be told to chew her food she’s that confused. Even worse is the fact that if she codes my step mom and dad want to revive her. I don’t think they know what that does to a person. She is suffering and in hell. Even if she recovers physically her mind is still steadily going down hill. I don’t want to loose her but she is no longer living, just merely existing. I just want her suffering to end I can’t bear to see here like this
So it has been almost a year since I wrote about my Grandmother and her health. She seems to be loosing her mind yet my step mom insists it’s just normal aging “Doc says all is well” I’m sorry but no. No longer recognizing your granddaughter isn’t just normal senility. I’ve seen first hand the trauma of Dementia and Alzheimer’s. Grandma most definitely has one of those. Nor am I buying my Stepmother’s claims that the cancer is at bay, that the Tamoxifen is working miracles. Especially since at one point you claimed that the cancer had started to metastasize and was spreading to her hip and her back. I wish they wouldn’t sugarcoat stuff for us anymore. My sister and I are grown adults, we can handle the truth. All I do know is that her quality of life is terrible. She now lives with my Dad, and when home all she does is watch TV, that’s it. As an attempt to keep her active she is enrolled in an adult daycare center. I am not sure if it helps or not. What I DO know is that my heart aches for Gran. With each visit I am thrown into the deepest, darkest depths of depression. Why do they sweetest of the elderly either die on the young side, or have the worst symptoms of aging possible? Grandma does not deserve to spend her final years on earth in such agony. I don’t think anything can be done to make her life better. My parents try, I don’t think the problem is lack of care on their part, I just don’t know how to make her mental state better, or if even that is a possibility. Just have to keep visiting I guess…..
Mom randomly sent me a Snapchat telling me that she loves me. Really needed that today, but tis sad that a gesture like that catches me off guard and I wonder the motive behind it…. I wonder what its like to live in a world where adults regularly express their emotions and feelings towards one another. I do believe that my children are the only ones I say ” I love you” too on a day to day basis….. I also realised that I care more about my boyfriend’s lack of outward affection more than I care to admit, or at least that is the case in my dreams. Don’t get me wrong at least with him I do feel loved and appreciated, but apparently I still miss little.romantic gestures. The older I get, the more sappy I become. Damn hormones. I miss my tougher less emotional self that I was as a teen and in my early twenties. Although I was always a sucker for Love. I really ought to get some sleep. Good night