Surprise.

Mom randomly sent me a Snapchat telling me that she loves me. Really needed that today, but tis sad that a gesture like that catches me off guard and I wonder the motive behind it…. I wonder what its like to live in a world where adults regularly express their emotions and feelings towards one another. I do believe that my children are the only ones I say ” I love you” too on a day to day basis….. I also realised that I care more about my boyfriend’s lack of outward affection more than I care to admit, or at least that is the case in my dreams. Don’t get me wrong at least with him I do feel loved and appreciated, but apparently I still miss little.romantic gestures. The older I get, the more sappy I become. Damn hormones. I miss my tougher less emotional self that I was as a teen and in my early twenties. Although I was always a sucker for Love. I really ought to get some sleep. Good night 

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Save your happiness for tomorrow, and today we’ll drown in your tears….

Warning: Depression/Self Hatred post…. Don’t even bother reading this pathetic POS…. *Sigh* I am so sick of being absent minded…. Just once I’d like to function like a normal person. For the first time in 13 years I was an hour late for work for no reason other than I somehow figured that I can leave my house and simultaneously arrive at work at 3pm (Despite living 30/35 mins away and having to drop children off at babysitter’s house) now I have been several hours late for work, but that was always due to car troubles…. This was sheer negligence…. And to make matters worse, in my haste to get out the door I left the spare car seat on the side of the road!!! 😔 I have never been so ashamed of myself. First Saturday I left the diaper bag at my grandmas earlier that day, and by the time I realised this, it was at the babysitter’s, and too late to get it… Luckily, she had everything except spare clothes…. Now I know this can happen to anyone… We all get forgetful blah blah blah. I however cannot go a single day without messing SOMETHING up, and I’ve been chastised for it my ENTIRE life. If only I can learn to function like a normal human being, even if it were for one day. I hate feeling so useless and inadequate. Tis almost as bad as feeling all alone and disconnected. Loneliness and isolation might be two of the worst feelings in the world. (I don’t need cheering up, I’ll be fine again eventually, just tonight in particular I hate myself)

Emotional Roller-coaster

Self Diagnosis is dangerous, this I know. Procrastination has lead me to delay seeking professional treatment, But I do know this, Either I am bipolar like my father, or just prone to random bouts of depression. Factor in new mom hormones and now PMS and I am as my 2 year old would say “A hot mess” Lately I’ve  been a real bitch, and today I came to a realization. It may not the hormones exactly. I am beginning to wonder if I am using my hormonal state to justify being my bitchiness. Bitchy sarcastic responses come so easily to me, but more often than not I bite my tongue due to my hatred of starting an argument, or hurting someone’s feelings. Yet One week a month the filter disappears and “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”