Will no one help the Widow’s Son? 

I really hate being my own worst enemy. Being trapped in my own head is hell. There is nothing worse than feeling completely alone and isolated despite living in a house full of people. Of family nonetheless. When you’re so depressed that you have become emotionally detached from your very own children, and you fear that not even they are enough to save you from completely drowning in that sea of despair. I’m on the mend, not as bad as I was Monday, thank God I opened up to someone at the last minute…. 
The lyrics to Runaway Train sum it up perfectly: 

“Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light

You were there like a slow torch burning

I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn’t even sleep

So many secrets I couldn’t keep

Promised myself I wouldn’t weep

One more promise I couldn’t keep
It seems no one can help me now

I’m in too deep

There’s no way out

This time I have really led myself astray
Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

How on earth did I get so jaded

Life’s mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go

I know what no one else knows

Here I am just drownin’ in the rain

With a ticket for a runaway train
Everything is cut and dry

Day and night, earth and sky

Somehow I just don’t believe it
Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Bought a ticket for a runaway train

Like a madman laughin’ at the rain

Little out of touch, little insane

Just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train never comin’ back

Wrong way on a one way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin’ back

Runaway train tearin’ up the track

Runaway train burnin’ in my veins”
I’m “hanging in there” so to speak. But how long before enough is enough and I completely break? Let’s hope that day never comes 

A whole childhood of potions all bottled up

I hate being a woman sometimes. Emotions suck! I hate getting jealous over something so petty that it is embarassing that it bothered me (stupid petty facebook drama) However, the one teeny tiny incident did remind me that apparently i need cutesey lovey dovey bullshit ater all. I know my boyfriend cares, he shows his love in little ways, and I do appreciate it, but lately I receive more affection (non physical) from customers at work. I was doing something on the other side of the counter, and a female regular gave me a hug, and it felt so nice, i didnt realze how badly I needed a hug from an adult. The love I receive from my children is great and all, but sometimes It’s nice to receive attention from adults, to know that I matter to someone who isn’t a toddler. To the few who do show they care, thank you. I dunno I guess I’m fucked up from lack of affecion as a child due to the way I was, kept to myself. I hate the way that I require such validation. I know people care, I know I am loved. I just need a fucking hug, maybe a good cry. a cute text. something for fucks sake. But Then I also HATE that I even feel this way. Why am I so weak???

Breaking down is  easy…. 

I figured it out! That “weird” mood from before. Manic. It reminds me of my SCSU days when I swore I was bipolar. I miss that. Because guess what folks the depression is back. Yup. Hardcore. Like I’m sure the kids will be ok, they have pleanty of love surrounding them. Who knows maybe they won’t know it is suicide. Just drive really fast into a cliff on a deserted road. An “accident”. *sigh* I couldn’t actually do it. After chickening out of hanging myself back in ’08 I made a promise that I would never do so again. Now I have kids, they need me. In fact, even thinking about harming myself and leaving them motherless makes me despise myself even more. Which doesn’t help with the depression, but hey at least I can talk myself out of suicide. Well that and help from a couple of friends. Apparently at least a couple care. Maybe more. That manic week was fun though. Sort of. Being super “in the mood” with no relief in sight was NOT fun. But it was better than soul crushing depression …. until  next time…

Narcissistic, Drama Queen…. 

Sometimes I feel like despite my attempts to be a decent human being, I’m actually not. Like not even remotely. I say and do things without thinking of the consequences, which results in hurting those I love. I don’t even know if I know what love is. Other than the love I have for my children, I’m beginning to think I only think I know what romantic love feels like. Even in my attempts to comfort people I tend to mention my own experiences. I’m trying to drag the focus on to me, just attempting to be relatable. Despite having the handful of people that I do have {or did seeing that my stupidity pushes more and more away (and who could blame them)} I am still desperate to be relatable. I want to meet someone who truly understands me. That gets all my quitks, understands my mental states, maybe I did have this and lost it because I didn’t realize it, or maybe I had something close enough and was just too selfish to settle. Then again some days I don’t even understand myself so how can I expect anyone else to? Sometimes I think the harder I try to be a good person, the more I fuck up. The more I reach out, the more hurt I cause. Do yourself a favor. Don’t befriend me, in the end I’ll only cause heartache