Had a tough day today, you know those wonderful days where you cannot keep your mind focused enough to keep the pain at bay …. Today’s self pity depression symptom causing issue was (drum roll please 🥁) ….. Feeling like I fuck up every single relationship in my life whenever I open up and become close on a deep emotional level. (Be it friend, family or romantic partner ) Some days I wish I could just be normal, and interact with other humans without ferling awkward. To be more open and able to show emotion. To be a friend and not a therapist. And most importantly to stop being selfish….
To the few friends I have, I love you, really I do. I’m sorry I am not there for you as often as I should be….
Today Grandma was discharged from the hospital. unbeknownst to my father who is away on vacation or myself she was only to be discharged as long as arrangements for 24 hr care had been made. Given her limited income, that should have meant a short term rehab facility like the last time she was hospitalized. BUT since the hospital allowed her to make the decision despite the fact that her mental capabilities are no longer 100% there, she opted for in home care, THINKING that it was covered by her insurance, which it most definitely is not. realizing that the costs of this service is definitely NOT in her budget we had to send the aide home and now I am spending the night with her. This is not how I intended on spending my baby free and school free night. what should have been the simple task of drive grandma home from the hospital and help her get settled has turned into this fiasco of a misunderstanding. Her paranoia and anxiety does not help the situation. I also hate myself for feeling upset that I am stuck here tonight, and guilty that this has me upset. I hate feeling so conflicted, I just want to cry. I am such a selfish bitch, I really should gladly help her out after all that she has done for me. what the fuck is wrong with me???