I hate being a woman sometimes. Emotions suck! I hate getting jealous over something so petty that it is embarassing that it bothered me (stupid petty facebook drama) However, the one teeny tiny incident did remind me that apparently i need cutesey lovey dovey bullshit ater all. I know my boyfriend cares, he shows his love in little ways, and I do appreciate it, but lately I receive more affection (non physical) from customers at work. I was doing something on the other side of the counter, and a female regular gave me a hug, and it felt so nice, i didnt realze how badly I needed a hug from an adult. The love I receive from my children is great and all, but sometimes It’s nice to receive attention from adults, to know that I matter to someone who isn’t a toddler. To the few who do show they care, thank you. I dunno I guess I’m fucked up from lack of affecion as a child due to the way I was, kept to myself. I hate the way that I require such validation. I know people care, I know I am loved. I just need a fucking hug, maybe a good cry. a cute text. something for fucks sake. But Then I also HATE that I even feel this way. Why am I so weak???
Mom randomly sent me a Snapchat telling me that she loves me. Really needed that today, but tis sad that a gesture like that catches me off guard and I wonder the motive behind it…. I wonder what its like to live in a world where adults regularly express their emotions and feelings towards one another. I do believe that my children are the only ones I say ” I love you” too on a day to day basis….. I also realised that I care more about my boyfriend’s lack of outward affection more than I care to admit, or at least that is the case in my dreams. Don’t get me wrong at least with him I do feel loved and appreciated, but apparently I still miss little.romantic gestures. The older I get, the more sappy I become. Damn hormones. I miss my tougher less emotional self that I was as a teen and in my early twenties. Although I was always a sucker for Love. I really ought to get some sleep. Good night
Do you know what I miss? Romance. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy in my current relationship. Really, I am. However, just like me, my significant other has a difficult time outwardly showing happy emotions. In some aspects he is even worse than me, and although he does do things that shows that he does indeed care about me, I am not being swept off my feet romance wise. Our relationship never had that horny teenageresque can’t keep my hands off you honeymoon period. no sweet emotion filled texts or notes. Maybe I was simply spoiled in the past, but after a couple of years of severe emotional abuse, the occasional lovey dovey over the top emotional stuff would be nice once in a while. Even me, little miss can’t show emotion outside of my emotional breakdowns is at least capable of expressing feelings through written word. Saying I love you in person, even to the father of my child, that however is scary, or at least it is when your spouse is as outwardly emotionally closed off as much as you are. I thought I hated the sappy shit, but apparently not. At any rate apparently I require minuscule doses. I’m sorry guys, I’ve been a real bummer lately, and quite babely. Does this damn post even make sense??? I’m tired of feeling so alone and disconnected. Perhaps one day I’ll forge a real connection again. maybe. again sorry for the whiny posts lately. I should really get over myself and be happy with what I have. Good night guys.