Breaking down is  easy…. 

I figured it out! That “weird” mood from before. Manic. It reminds me of my SCSU days when I swore I was bipolar. I miss that. Because guess what folks the depression is back. Yup. Hardcore. Like I’m sure the kids will be ok, they have pleanty of love surrounding them. Who knows maybe they won’t know it is suicide. Just drive really fast into a cliff on a deserted road. An “accident”. *sigh* I couldn’t actually do it. After chickening out of hanging myself back in ’08 I made a promise that I would never do so again. Now I have kids, they need me. In fact, even thinking about harming myself and leaving them motherless makes me despise myself even more. Which doesn’t help with the depression, but hey at least I can talk myself out of suicide. Well that and help from a couple of friends. Apparently at least a couple care. Maybe more. That manic week was fun though. Sort of. Being super “in the mood” with no relief in sight was NOT fun. But it was better than soul crushing depression …. until  next time…

Narcissistic, Drama Queen…. 

Sometimes I feel like despite my attempts to be a decent human being, I’m actually not. Like not even remotely. I say and do things without thinking of the consequences, which results in hurting those I love. I don’t even know if I know what love is. Other than the love I have for my children, I’m beginning to think I only think I know what romantic love feels like. Even in my attempts to comfort people I tend to mention my own experiences. I’m trying to drag the focus on to me, just attempting to be relatable. Despite having the handful of people that I do have {or did seeing that my stupidity pushes more and more away (and who could blame them)} I am still desperate to be relatable. I want to meet someone who truly understands me. That gets all my quitks, understands my mental states, maybe I did have this and lost it because I didn’t realize it, or maybe I had something close enough and was just too selfish to settle. Then again some days I don’t even understand myself so how can I expect anyone else to? Sometimes I think the harder I try to be a good person, the more I fuck up. The more I reach out, the more hurt I cause. Do yourself a favor. Don’t befriend me, in the end I’ll only cause heartache