Things get broken, things get damaged….

Had a tough day today, you know those wonderful days where you cannot keep your mind focused enough to keep the pain at bay …. Today’s self pity depression symptom causing issue was (drum roll please 🥁) ….. Feeling like I fuck up every single relationship in my life whenever I open up and become close on a deep emotional level. (Be it friend, family or romantic partner ) Some days I wish I could just be normal, and interact with other humans without ferling awkward. To be more open and able to show emotion. To be a friend and not a therapist. And most importantly to stop being selfish….

To the few friends I have, I love you, really I do. I’m sorry I am not there for you as often as I should be….

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Narcissistic, Drama Queen…. 

Sometimes I feel like despite my attempts to be a decent human being, I’m actually not. Like not even remotely. I say and do things without thinking of the consequences, which results in hurting those I love. I don’t even know if I know what love is. Other than the love I have for my children, I’m beginning to think I only think I know what romantic love feels like. Even in my attempts to comfort people I tend to mention my own experiences. I’m trying to drag the focus on to me, just attempting to be relatable. Despite having the handful of people that I do have {or did seeing that my stupidity pushes more and more away (and who could blame them)} I am still desperate to be relatable. I want to meet someone who truly understands me. That gets all my quitks, understands my mental states, maybe I did have this and lost it because I didn’t realize it, or maybe I had something close enough and was just too selfish to settle. Then again some days I don’t even understand myself so how can I expect anyone else to? Sometimes I think the harder I try to be a good person, the more I fuck up. The more I reach out, the more hurt I cause. Do yourself a favor. Don’t befriend me, in the end I’ll only cause heartache