I try damnit.

Just as I’m feeling better I get lectured on not being up to my usual standards at work. Well excuse me if I’m trying to balance IOP 3 days a week, work 6 nights a week, and motherhood, while trying to balance out my mental health issues. If only my boss could see the me my customers see, maybe he would understand. It’s difficult trying to make someone understand mental illness when it doesn’t play a prevalent role in their culture. Oh and I have neck pain and swelling that I’m dealing with. Can’t be wonder woman all the time. Sorry needed to vent. I love my job and my boss shows more care and concern than my blood relatives, but sometimes I wish he could understand what it’s like battling all this at once.


I am…

Had to do this exercise in therapy today, and decided to share it here….

I am loving and caring

I wonder what it’s like not to suffer

I hear the babbling brook

I see the forest when I close my eyes

I want to feel loved

I am loving and caring


I pretend to be happy

I feel lost

I touch a pillow to my chest for comfort

I worry that I’m not good enough

I cry at the drop of a pin

I am loving and caring


I understand that what I feel is false

I say whatever it takes to comfort someone else in pain

I dream of a life without pain

I try to feel better

I hope to be worthy someday

I am loving and caring


“….but anymore pent up emotion, and I think I’m gonna explode…”

Forgot to publish this back in December

Well folks, it finally happened. I broke down completely and ended up being admitted to my local hospital’s pysch ward. Bipolar confirmed. There may be a possibility of a personality disorder as well , now I am doing what theyb call “Inetensive Outpatient Therapy” Basically, I go for group therapy 3 times a week, for 3 hours a day, particiapting in 3 differnt group activities with a short break inbetween. I am actually quite surprised at my ability to open up there and feel comfrtable. Plus, I think the new meds have been rather helpful. For the first time in a VERY lonbg time I feel metally stable. Let us hope things remain this way.

In other news, we lost my grandfather’s brother back on December 1st. A whole generation gone now. 😢

So far I’m doing ok, we shall see how long this lasts

“Backbeat, the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out….”

Hey folks remember Me? Yea the whiny pitiful bitch is back! Did you miss Me? Ha ha ha of course not, it must have been nice to have a reprieve from the complaints…. well its been well over a year now, and we’ve been pretty good with no more deaths at the moment….my step dad had another stroke, and now he had COPD… still have my moments of soul crushing depression,  peaks of craziness which is more dangerous because it makes me want to do something reckless like actually follow through with plans for suicide that depressed me has made…. I suppose if we can still find rational me in there somewhere I’ll be ok. There are a select few who are trying their damndest to keep me afloat, and honestly I don’t thing I really want to end it all, it’s just sometimes I just don’t think I can handle the pain of loneliness…. but I’m trying guys, I do want to hang in there,  if anything for the kids alone…. well, good night everyone…..