6 months since the last family death. Tomorrow is my step father’s birthday. Death and birthdays seem to go hand in hand. And I’m over due for a funeral given the trend of people dying in my family every 4-6 months or so… I fear for what may come
OK folks bear with me… *warning ⚠ I’m about to open up and reveal shit folks. Run away while you still can. * OK so death is nothing new… Dealt with it A LOT over the past few years. Most recently with my grandmother. It’s been over 4 months already and I STILL can’t move on… Wtf is wrong with me, I’m the family designated Eulogy writer for Christ’s sake… Dealing with death and helping others grieve is my thing. Why am I STILL hung up on this?? I miss the days where I could easily shut my emotions off. I don’t like to feel, especially nights like this. Fuck emotions, Fuck Grief, Fuck Guilt, Fuck cancer, Fuck COPD, and Fuck Death. Bottom line… I REALLY miss my grandmother, I feel a ton of guilt concerning her last few years of life , and I think I’m FINALLY dealing with the emotions I SHOULD have dealt with back when this all happened. Someone please heal the healer she can’t handle this. Emotions are too damn scary…
I figured it out! That “weird” mood from before. Manic. It reminds me of my SCSU days when I swore I was bipolar. I miss that. Because guess what folks the depression is back. Yup. Hardcore. Like I’m sure the kids will be ok, they have pleanty of love surrounding them. Who knows maybe they won’t know it is suicide. Just drive really fast into a cliff on a deserted road. An “accident”. *sigh* I couldn’t actually do it. After chickening out of hanging myself back in ’08 I made a promise that I would never do so again. Now I have kids, they need me. In fact, even thinking about harming myself and leaving them motherless makes me despise myself even more. Which doesn’t help with the depression, but hey at least I can talk myself out of suicide. Well that and help from a couple of friends. Apparently at least a couple care. Maybe more. That manic week was fun though. Sort of. Being super “in the mood” with no relief in sight was NOT fun. But it was better than soul crushing depression …. until next time…
You know what would be brilliant? If perhaps someone especially someone from my family would inquire about the state of my mental well being. Yes the Angel of death is used to such loss, having witnessed many tradgedies over the years… But guess what. This is different. Yes I begged for death to claim her as his bride, it was much more perferable than the way she was suffering. However, letting go of her means that I lost the only blood relative that I had been capable of opening up to. When making copies of her obituary I wasn’t thinking of loosing her, only losing a paternal relative. So I was printing copies I thought, oh grandma needs a copie… Oh wait…. Nevermind. I also feel like I botched the euology big time. I had writers block for the longest time, and then quickly turned out a eulogy that definitely wasn’t my best work, but it should have been. I’m so glad she couldn’t hear it, for she would have been ever so disappointed that hers, the one that should have been the best was actually the worst. I can’t bring myself to cry. Can’t bring myself to say out loud the words Grandma has died. This whole month has been a blur. And nobody from my actual family, my own flesh and blood has asked me how I am doing. She and I were very close. Everyone knew it. Just because I’m not showing emotion doesn’t mean I don’t feel them. Because guess what, I’m not OK. I don’t even recognize my own reflection…. I’m not depressed, but I don’t feel like me. I don’t know who I am but it isn’t me.
Grandma died today. I have no words. Yes it was anticipated, yes she is at peace. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still numb.
Advanced terminal cancer. Terminal COPD. Need I sat more?
My parents finally realized how harsh CPR can be on gran and have changed their stance to DNR…. Do Not Recissitate…. I knew it would come to this, but hearing it acknowledged was like a kmife through my heart. I think I nearly collapsed when mom told me…. I know the reality but I’m still in denial myself.