I’m not okay (I promise) 

You know what would be brilliant?  If perhaps someone especially someone from my family would inquire about the state of my mental well being.  Yes the Angel of death is used to such loss,  having witnessed many tradgedies over the years…  But guess what.  This is different.  Yes I begged for death to claim her as his bride,  it was much more perferable than the way she was suffering.  However,  letting go of her means that I lost the only blood relative that I had been capable of opening up to. When making copies of her obituary I wasn’t thinking of loosing her,  only losing a paternal relative.  So I was printing copies I thought,  oh grandma needs a copie… Oh wait….  Nevermind.  I also feel like I botched the euology big time.  I had writers block for the longest time,  and then quickly turned out a eulogy that definitely wasn’t my best work,  but it should have been.  I’m so glad she couldn’t hear it,  for she would have been ever so disappointed that hers,  the one that should have been the best was actually the worst.  I can’t bring myself to  cry.  Can’t bring myself to say out loud the words Grandma has died.  This whole month has been a blur. And nobody from my actual family,  my own flesh and blood has asked me how I am doing.  She and I were very close.  Everyone knew it.  Just because I’m not showing emotion doesn’t mean I don’t feel them.  Because guess what,  I’m not OK.  I don’t even recognize my own reflection…. I’m not depressed,  but I don’t feel like me.  I don’t know who I am but it isn’t  me.  

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Another update on Grandma… 

So sometime last week Grandma took a pretty nasty fall.  Since then she’s afraid to walk and no longer is able to go bathroom for herself.  She’s been in the hospital since Wednesday with breathing issues,  a UTI,  and she’s very confused.  The confusion has been on-going.  I’ve been saying she has signs of dementia for years but apparently I don’t know what I’m talking about.  Only witnessed it first hand with my great grandmother and my step grandmother who had Alzheimer’s but what do I know.  Anyways the confusion has been pretty bad even before the fall.  On Friday she underwent a procedure to remove the fluid buildup fron around her lungs.  They ended up removing 340ccs and now we are waiting to see if it was caused by bacteria or her cancer.  (But according to my parents the cancer is at bay)  she is still in ICU still not breathing great,  has no idea what’s going on,  she has to be told to chew her food she’s that confused.  Even worse is the fact that if she codes my step mom and dad want to revive her.  I don’t think they know what that does to a person.  She is suffering and in hell.  Even if she recovers physically her mind is still steadily going down hill.  I don’t want to loose her but she is no longer living,  just merely existing.  I just want her suffering to end I can’t bear to see here like this 

Narcissistic, Drama Queen…. 

Sometimes I feel like despite my attempts to be a decent human being, I’m actually not. Like not even remotely. I say and do things without thinking of the consequences, which results in hurting those I love. I don’t even know if I know what love is. Other than the love I have for my children, I’m beginning to think I only think I know what romantic love feels like. Even in my attempts to comfort people I tend to mention my own experiences. I’m trying to drag the focus on to me, just attempting to be relatable. Despite having the handful of people that I do have {or did seeing that my stupidity pushes more and more away (and who could blame them)} I am still desperate to be relatable. I want to meet someone who truly understands me. That gets all my quitks, understands my mental states, maybe I did have this and lost it because I didn’t realize it, or maybe I had something close enough and was just too selfish to settle. Then again some days I don’t even understand myself so how can I expect anyone else to? Sometimes I think the harder I try to be a good person, the more I fuck up. The more I reach out, the more hurt I cause. Do yourself a favor. Don’t befriend me, in the end I’ll only cause heartache