Gone but never forgotten… 

June 4 2015, a day I’ll never forget. I had just arrived at work for my 10am shift when I received a phone call from my sister on the work phone…. she never calls my work phone. Immediately I knew  something was wrong, but thought maybe Keith had another stroke or something. Nope. “Grandpa passed away” she said tearfully. “What, what do you mean he passed away??!!??” I remember leaving work, picking Victoria up from my dad, struggling to keep my composure as she asked me to sing her “you are my sunshine” and the worst part. The guilt. How many times I had been up in Seymour,  visiting grandma,  thinking oh I really should go see grandpa too. Eh, it’s getting late, another time. Well I never got that other time. I’m so sorry Grandpa, I miss you tons, and love you, always.

Stumbling downwards once again

​OK folks bear with me… *warning ⚠ I’m about to open up and reveal shit folks. Run away while you still can. * OK so death is nothing new… Dealt with it A LOT over the past few years. Most recently with my grandmother. It’s been over 4 months already and I STILL can’t move on… Wtf is wrong with me, I’m the family designated Eulogy writer for Christ’s sake… Dealing with death and helping others grieve is my thing. Why am I STILL hung up on this?? I miss the days where I could easily shut my emotions off. I don’t like to feel, especially nights like this. Fuck emotions, Fuck Grief, Fuck Guilt, Fuck cancer, Fuck COPD, and Fuck Death. Bottom line… I REALLY miss my grandmother, I feel a ton of guilt concerning her last few years of life , and I think I’m FINALLY dealing with the emotions I SHOULD have dealt with back when this all happened. Someone please heal the healer she can’t handle this. Emotions are too damn scary…

I’m not okay (I promise) 

You know what would be brilliant?  If perhaps someone especially someone from my family would inquire about the state of my mental well being.  Yes the Angel of death is used to such loss,  having witnessed many tradgedies over the years…  But guess what.  This is different.  Yes I begged for death to claim her as his bride,  it was much more perferable than the way she was suffering.  However,  letting go of her means that I lost the only blood relative that I had been capable of opening up to. When making copies of her obituary I wasn’t thinking of loosing her,  only losing a paternal relative.  So I was printing copies I thought,  oh grandma needs a copie… Oh wait….  Nevermind.  I also feel like I botched the euology big time.  I had writers block for the longest time,  and then quickly turned out a eulogy that definitely wasn’t my best work,  but it should have been.  I’m so glad she couldn’t hear it,  for she would have been ever so disappointed that hers,  the one that should have been the best was actually the worst.  I can’t bring myself to  cry.  Can’t bring myself to say out loud the words Grandma has died.  This whole month has been a blur. And nobody from my actual family,  my own flesh and blood has asked me how I am doing.  She and I were very close.  Everyone knew it.  Just because I’m not showing emotion doesn’t mean I don’t feel them.  Because guess what,  I’m not OK.  I don’t even recognize my own reflection…. I’m not depressed,  but I don’t feel like me.  I don’t know who I am but it isn’t  me.