Will no one help the Widow’s Son? 

I really hate being my own worst enemy. Being trapped in my own head is hell. There is nothing worse than feeling completely alone and isolated despite living in a house full of people. Of family nonetheless. When you’re so depressed that you have become emotionally detached from your very own children, and you fear that not even they are enough to save you from completely drowning in that sea of despair. I’m on the mend, not as bad as I was Monday, thank God I opened up to someone at the last minute….

The lyrics to Runaway Train sum it up perfectly:
“Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep
It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life’s mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin’ in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don’t believe it
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin’ at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train never comin’ back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin’ back
Runaway train tearin’ up the track
Runaway train burnin’ in my veins”

I’m “hanging in there” so to speak. But how long before enough is enough and I completely break? Let’s hope that day never comes people.

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Save your happiness for tomorrow, and today we’ll drown in your tears….

Warning: Depression/Self Hatred post…. Don’t even bother reading this pathetic POS…. *Sigh* I am so sick of being absent minded…. Just once I’d like to function like a normal person. For the first time in 13 years I was an hour late for work for no reason other than I somehow figured that I can leave my house and simultaneously arrive at work at 3pm (Despite living 30/35 mins away and having to drop children off at babysitter’s house) now I have been several hours late for work, but that was always due to car troubles…. This was sheer negligence…. And to make matters worse, in my haste to get out the door I left the spare car seat on the side of the road!!! 😔 I have never been so ashamed of myself. First Saturday I left the diaper bag at my grandmas earlier that day, and by the time I realised this, it was at the babysitter’s, and too late to get it… Luckily, she had everything except spare clothes…. Now I know this can happen to anyone… We all get forgetful blah blah blah. I however cannot go a single day without messing SOMETHING up, and I’ve been chastised for it my ENTIRE life. If only I can learn to function like a normal human being, even if it were for one day. I hate feeling so useless and inadequate. Tis almost as bad as feeling all alone and disconnected. Loneliness and isolation might be two of the worst feelings in the world. (I don’t need cheering up, I’ll be fine again eventually, just tonight in particular I hate myself)

Just Enough to Bring You Down….

I love my mother, truly I do. However, every time I visit for an extended period of time, I end up feeling absolutely miserable and down right depressed. Yes I know, by your standards I fucked up my life. I was the honor student, the good girl, yet I got pregnant at 19, and gave that child up for adoption to my cousin under the premise that I was doing what was best for her. Then at 26 I became pregnant again, out of wedlock, working the same menial gas station/deli job that I have been working at since I was 19. And now here I am, 28 STILL at that job, mother again still out of wedlock, with yet a different father. Yes I am a college dropout, and although I did complete a certification program, I still feel like I am nothing more than a disappointment…. maybe one day I can make you proud again….