Will no one help the Widow’s Son? 

I really hate being my own worst enemy. Being trapped in my own head is hell. There is nothing worse than feeling completely alone and isolated despite living in a house full of people. Of family nonetheless. When you’re so depressed that you have become emotionally detached from your very own children, and you fear that not even they are enough to save you from completely drowning in that sea of despair. I’m on the mend, not as bad as I was Monday, thank God I opened up to someone at the last minute…. 
The lyrics to Runaway Train sum it up perfectly: 

“Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light

You were there like a slow torch burning

I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn’t even sleep

So many secrets I couldn’t keep

Promised myself I wouldn’t weep

One more promise I couldn’t keep
It seems no one can help me now

I’m in too deep

There’s no way out

This time I have really led myself astray
Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

How on earth did I get so jaded

Life’s mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go

I know what no one else knows

Here I am just drownin’ in the rain

With a ticket for a runaway train
Everything is cut and dry

Day and night, earth and sky

Somehow I just don’t believe it
Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Bought a ticket for a runaway train

Like a madman laughin’ at the rain

Little out of touch, little insane

Just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train never comin’ back

Wrong way on a one way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there
Runaway train never comin’ back

Runaway train tearin’ up the track

Runaway train burnin’ in my veins”
I’m “hanging in there” so to speak. But how long before enough is enough and I completely break? Let’s hope that day never comes 

A whole childhood of potions all bottled up

I hate being a woman sometimes. Emotions suck! I hate getting jealous over something so petty that it is embarassing that it bothered me (stupid petty facebook drama) However, the one teeny tiny incident did remind me that apparently i need cutesey lovey dovey bullshit ater all. I know my boyfriend cares, he shows his love in little ways, and I do appreciate it, but lately I receive more affection (non physical) from customers at work. I was doing something on the other side of the counter, and a female regular gave me a hug, and it felt so nice, i didnt realze how badly I needed a hug from an adult. The love I receive from my children is great and all, but sometimes It’s nice to receive attention from adults, to know that I matter to someone who isn’t a toddler. To the few who do show they care, thank you. I dunno I guess I’m fucked up from lack of affecion as a child due to the way I was, kept to myself. I hate the way that I require such validation. I know people care, I know I am loved. I just need a fucking hug, maybe a good cry. a cute text. something for fucks sake. But Then I also HATE that I even feel this way. Why am I so weak???

Breaking down is  easy…. 

I figured it out! That “weird” mood from before. Manic. It reminds me of my SCSU days when I swore I was bipolar. I miss that. Because guess what folks the depression is back. Yup. Hardcore. Like I’m sure the kids will be ok, they have pleanty of love surrounding them. Who knows maybe they won’t know it is suicide. Just drive really fast into a cliff on a deserted road. An “accident”. *sigh* I couldn’t actually do it. After chickening out of hanging myself back in ’08 I made a promise that I would never do so again. Now I have kids, they need me. In fact, even thinking about harming myself and leaving them motherless makes me despise myself even more. Which doesn’t help with the depression, but hey at least I can talk myself out of suicide. Well that and help from a couple of friends. Apparently at least a couple care. Maybe more. That manic week was fun though. Sort of. Being super “in the mood” with no relief in sight was NOT fun. But it was better than soul crushing depression …. until  next time…

Save your happiness for tomorrow, and today we’ll drown in your tears….

Warning: Depression/Self Hatred post…. Don’t even bother reading this pathetic POS…. *Sigh* I am so sick of being absent minded…. Just once I’d like to function like a normal person. For the first time in 13 years I was an hour late for work for no reason other than I somehow figured that I can leave my house and simultaneously arrive at work at 3pm (Despite living 30/35 mins away and having to drop children off at babysitter’s house) now I have been several hours late for work, but that was always due to car troubles…. This was sheer negligence…. And to make matters worse, in my haste to get out the door I left the spare car seat on the side of the road!!! 😔 I have never been so ashamed of myself. First Saturday I left the diaper bag at my grandmas earlier that day, and by the time I realised this, it was at the babysitter’s, and too late to get it… Luckily, she had everything except spare clothes…. Now I know this can happen to anyone… We all get forgetful blah blah blah. I however cannot go a single day without messing SOMETHING up, and I’ve been chastised for it my ENTIRE life. If only I can learn to function like a normal human being, even if it were for one day. I hate feeling so useless and inadequate. Tis almost as bad as feeling all alone and disconnected. Loneliness and isolation might be two of the worst feelings in the world. (I don’t need cheering up, I’ll be fine again eventually, just tonight in particular I hate myself)

Waiting for the warmth of that tender storm….

Do you know what I miss? Romance. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy in my current relationship. Really, I am. However, just like me, my significant other has a difficult time outwardly showing happy emotions. In some aspects he is even worse than me, and although he does do things that shows that he does indeed care about me, I am not being swept off my feet romance wise. Our relationship never had that horny teenageresque can’t keep my hands off you honeymoon period. no sweet emotion filled texts or notes. Maybe I was simply spoiled in the past, but after a couple of years of severe emotional abuse, the occasional lovey dovey over the top emotional stuff would be nice once in a while. Even me, little miss can’t show emotion outside of my emotional breakdowns is at least capable of expressing feelings through written word. Saying I love you in person, even to the father of my child, that however is scary, or at least it is when your spouse is as outwardly emotionally closed off as much as you are. I thought I hated the sappy shit, but apparently not. At any rate apparently I require minuscule doses. I’m sorry guys, I’ve been a real bummer lately, and quite babely. Does this damn post even make sense??? I’m tired of feeling so alone and disconnected. Perhaps one day I’ll forge a real connection again. maybe. again sorry for the whiny posts lately. I should really get over myself and be happy with what I have. Good night guys.