I’m not okay (I promise) 

You know what would be brilliant?  If perhaps someone especially someone from my family would inquire about the state of my mental well being.  Yes the Angel of death is used to such loss,  having witnessed many tradgedies over the years…  But guess what.  This is different.  Yes I begged for death to claim her as his bride,  it was much more perferable than the way she was suffering.  However,  letting go of her means that I lost the only blood relative that I had been capable of opening up to. When making copies of her obituary I wasn’t thinking of loosing her,  only losing a paternal relative.  So I was printing copies I thought,  oh grandma needs a copie… Oh wait….  Nevermind.  I also feel like I botched the euology big time.  I had writers block for the longest time,  and then quickly turned out a eulogy that definitely wasn’t my best work,  but it should have been.  I’m so glad she couldn’t hear it,  for she would have been ever so disappointed that hers,  the one that should have been the best was actually the worst.  I can’t bring myself to  cry.  Can’t bring myself to say out loud the words Grandma has died.  This whole month has been a blur. And nobody from my actual family,  my own flesh and blood has asked me how I am doing.  She and I were very close.  Everyone knew it.  Just because I’m not showing emotion doesn’t mean I don’t feel them.  Because guess what,  I’m not OK.  I don’t even recognize my own reflection…. I’m not depressed,  but I don’t feel like me.  I don’t know who I am but it isn’t  me.  

so it begins….

Today Grandma was discharged from the hospital. unbeknownst to my father who is away on vacation or myself she was only to be discharged as long as arrangements for 24 hr care had been made. Given her limited income, that should have meant a short term rehab facility like the last time she was hospitalized. BUT since the hospital allowed her to make the decision despite the fact that her mental capabilities are no longer 100% there, she opted for in home care, THINKING that it was covered by her insurance, which it most definitely is not. realizing that the costs of this service is definitely NOT in her budget we had to send the aide home and now I am spending the night with her. This is not how I intended on spending my baby free and school free night. what should have been the simple task of drive grandma home from the hospital and help her get settled has turned into this fiasco of a misunderstanding. Her paranoia and anxiety does not help the situation. I also hate myself for feeling upset that I am stuck here tonight, and guilty that this has me upset. I hate feeling so conflicted, I just want to cry. I am such a selfish bitch, I really should gladly help her out after all that she has done for me. what the fuck is wrong with me???