June 4 2015, a day I’ll never forget. I had just arrived at work for my 10am shift when I received a phone call from my sister on the work phone…. she never calls my work phone. Immediately I knew something was wrong, but thought maybe Keith had another stroke or something. Nope. “Grandpa passed away” she said tearfully. “What, what do you mean he passed away??!!??” I remember leaving work, picking Victoria up from my dad, struggling to keep my composure as she asked me to sing her “you are my sunshine” and the worst part. The guilt. How many times I had been up in Seymour, visiting grandma, thinking oh I really should go see grandpa too. Eh, it’s getting late, another time. Well I never got that other time. I’m so sorry Grandpa, I miss you tons, and love you, always.
So sometime last week Grandma took a pretty nasty fall. Since then she’s afraid to walk and no longer is able to go bathroom for herself. She’s been in the hospital since Wednesday with breathing issues, a UTI, and she’s very confused. The confusion has been on-going. I’ve been saying she has signs of dementia for years but apparently I don’t know what I’m talking about. Only witnessed it first hand with my great grandmother and my step grandmother who had Alzheimer’s but what do I know. Anyways the confusion has been pretty bad even before the fall. On Friday she underwent a procedure to remove the fluid buildup fron around her lungs. They ended up removing 340ccs and now we are waiting to see if it was caused by bacteria or her cancer. (But according to my parents the cancer is at bay) she is still in ICU still not breathing great, has no idea what’s going on, she has to be told to chew her food she’s that confused. Even worse is the fact that if she codes my step mom and dad want to revive her. I don’t think they know what that does to a person. She is suffering and in hell. Even if she recovers physically her mind is still steadily going down hill. I don’t want to loose her but she is no longer living, just merely existing. I just want her suffering to end I can’t bear to see here like this
I love my mother, truly I do. However, every time I visit for an extended period of time, I end up feeling absolutely miserable and down right depressed. Yes I know, by your standards I fucked up my life. I was the honor student, the good girl, yet I got pregnant at 19, and gave that child up for adoption to my cousin under the premise that I was doing what was best for her. Then at 26 I became pregnant again, out of wedlock, working the same menial gas station/deli job that I have been working at since I was 19. And now here I am, 28 STILL at that job, mother again still out of wedlock, with yet a different father. Yes I am a college dropout, and although I did complete a certification program, I still feel like I am nothing more than a disappointment…. maybe one day I can make you proud again….