June 4 2015, a day I’ll never forget. I had just arrived at work for my 10am shift when I received a phone call from my sister on the work phone…. she never calls my work phone. Immediately I knew something was wrong, but thought maybe Keith had another stroke or something. Nope. “Grandpa passed away” she said tearfully. “What, what do you mean he passed away??!!??” I remember leaving work, picking Victoria up from my dad, struggling to keep my composure as she asked me to sing her “you are my sunshine” and the worst part. The guilt. How many times I had been up in Seymour, visiting grandma, thinking oh I really should go see grandpa too. Eh, it’s getting late, another time. Well I never got that other time. I’m so sorry Grandpa, I miss you tons, and love you, always.
Mom randomly sent me a Snapchat telling me that she loves me. Really needed that today, but tis sad that a gesture like that catches me off guard and I wonder the motive behind it…. I wonder what its like to live in a world where adults regularly express their emotions and feelings towards one another. I do believe that my children are the only ones I say ” I love you” too on a day to day basis….. I also realised that I care more about my boyfriend’s lack of outward affection more than I care to admit, or at least that is the case in my dreams. Don’t get me wrong at least with him I do feel loved and appreciated, but apparently I still miss little.romantic gestures. The older I get, the more sappy I become. Damn hormones. I miss my tougher less emotional self that I was as a teen and in my early twenties. Although I was always a sucker for Love. I really ought to get some sleep. Good night
Do you know what I miss? Romance. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy in my current relationship. Really, I am. However, just like me, my significant other has a difficult time outwardly showing happy emotions. In some aspects he is even worse than me, and although he does do things that shows that he does indeed care about me, I am not being swept off my feet romance wise. Our relationship never had that horny teenageresque can’t keep my hands off you honeymoon period. no sweet emotion filled texts or notes. Maybe I was simply spoiled in the past, but after a couple of years of severe emotional abuse, the occasional lovey dovey over the top emotional stuff would be nice once in a while. Even me, little miss can’t show emotion outside of my emotional breakdowns is at least capable of expressing feelings through written word. Saying I love you in person, even to the father of my child, that however is scary, or at least it is when your spouse is as outwardly emotionally closed off as much as you are. I thought I hated the sappy shit, but apparently not. At any rate apparently I require minuscule doses. I’m sorry guys, I’ve been a real bummer lately, and quite babely. Does this damn post even make sense??? I’m tired of feeling so alone and disconnected. Perhaps one day I’ll forge a real connection again. maybe. again sorry for the whiny posts lately. I should really get over myself and be happy with what I have. Good night guys.